The Rare Bird Review

Somehow I just knew the situation with the missing pelicans in North Dakota would lead to this. In the back of my mind I knew from the start.

I must explain that this picture is not a group trying to impregnate the Goodyear Blimp by releasing sperm as it flies overhead. This is a very select group from Oregon, California and Colorado who met at the site in North Dakota to consecrate it as ‘holy ground’ because it is a place where ‘souls’ have been removed from this world and transported to a new and better world; a world where some hope to be going soon. Apparently this new and better world needed a few pelicans to make it complete. Or maybe it just wasn't the same without bird droppings.

Richard Richard (not kidding about his name) of the group calling itself Across the Divide (not kidding about the group name either) said, “This is just additional proof that the building of the better world is complete and it is now being populated. Our faithful are excited. We hope to go there soon”

Well, I’m a little more than excited; I’m downright giddy that this world will be minus a few fruitcakes soon, as well as folks running around in sperm costumes. And what’s with the (expletive deleted) balloons? Does God love balloons for some reason that was never communicated to me? I was forced to sit in Sunday school for years and never once did I hear a scripture mentioning balloons. And on the eighth day God created....

I’m getting sick of this balloon crap. What ever happened to catching a pigeon and releasing it instead of a rubber bag filled with helium that’s eventually going to rupture and fall back to earth? A pigeon or dove has got a hell of a better chance of becoming immortal than a balloon.

And as long as we’re ballooning here who came up with the idea that putting the shiny, Mylar balloons on a grave is somehow paying respect? A funeral is not a bon voyage party. There is no cruise ship sailing to the great beyond. Do they think that the soul is somehow going to leave the grave site, rip off one of the balloons and migrate to the where-ever? Balloons belong at birthday parties, graduation ceremonies, circuses and carnivals, Chuck E Cheese and parades. They do not belong at cemeteries or funerals.

What do you want to bet that 'Dick Dick' and the morons from Across the Divide left a Mylar balloon at the lake in North Dakota in honor of the missing pelicans.