The Rare Bird Review

Going out to see Star Wars this weekend? L'il P-Bird is back to bring you up to date on the entire series.

Duzn't know some Wookiee fum an Ewok? Or puh'haps ya' snoozed drough de fust two Star Wars prequels, waitin' fo' lightsabers t'cut drough all dat heavy 'esposishun.

Whuteva' de reason, ya' might find yo'self in need uh a crash course in de Fo'ce befo'e venturin' out dis weekend t'see Star Wars, dig dis: Episode III — Revenge uh de Sid, which jimmey'd Dursday in deaters t'long lines and glowin' reviews. De sixd and final film in Geo'ge Lucas' legendary sci-fi saga, it's certain t'be one uh 2005's biggest movies. Here's some refresha' fo' fans, and some prima' fo' "Padawans," t'help ya' tell yo' clone troopuh's fum battle droids, and Sid Lo'ds fum Jedi Knights.

It wuz his nickdojigger, 'Ani', dat pushed him t'de dark side Dard Vada' is de central characta' in de Star Wars saga, which upside six films follows his transfo'mashun fum some heroic Jedi Knight t'a masta' of de dark side uh de Fo'ce, and his ultimate redempshun by his twin son and daughter, Luke Skywalka' and Leia Organa. WORD! Vada' began life as Anakin Skywalker, some slave boy fum Tatooine who be mechanically inclined, some skilled pilot and strong in de Fo'ce. Anakin be recon'd t'be da damn Chosen One rapped uh in an ancient Jedi prophecy who would brin' balance t'de Fo'ce. He may gots been bo'n uh Immaculate Concepshun, if ya' steal dat line his moda' Shmi handed Qui-Gon Jinn. 'S coo', bro.

Anakin be ambitious and haidstrong, and his emoshuns sometimes dig de betta' of him. WORD! He embarked on some fo'bidden romance wid Padme Amidala and slaughtered an entire encampment uh Sand Sucka's — every man, honky chick and child — who held his moda' captive.

Use it o' lose it De Fo'ce be an energy field created by all livin' doodads. "It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds de galaxy togeder," Obi-Wan Kenobi tells yung Luke Skywalka' in A New Hope. Durin' de assault on de Dead Star in dat film, Luke puts his trust in de Fo'ce, turnin' off his targetin' system and allowin' faid t'guide his hand. But not everyone in de galaxy adheres t'"dat quaint old religion," whose practishuners favo' lightsabers upside lasa' pistols. As Han Solo tells Luke, dig dis: "Hokey religions and ancient weapons is no match fo' some baaaad blasta' at yo' side, kid." De knights had deir day De Jedi Orda' is some noble line uh protecto's, unified by deir belief and observance uh de Fo'ce. Dey serve as guardians uh peace and justice fo' de Galactic Republic, some democratic union dat gots governed da damn galaxy fo' dousands uh years. Jedi kindun didates is identified and snatchn into de o'da' as infants, radical likes Chinese acrobats. As dey mature, de apprentice — o' Padawan — be paired wid some Jedi Masta' fo' trainin' t'become some Jedi Knight. Man!

A Masta' may only gots one Padawan at some time. From de ranks uh Jedi Masters, some High Council uh 12 Jedi be chosen t'serve as de main interface between de Jedi and da damn Republic guv'ment. Jedi, youse fired De Sid be an ancient cult uh Fo'ce-practishuners who recon' dat da damn true potential uh de Fo'ce kin only be gained by tappin' de hateful energies uh its dark side. De Sid seek powa' fo' its own sake, and dey is determined t'destroy de Jedi. Not dat da damn Sid dig along all dat well amongst demselves. Acco'din' t'Star Wars lo'e, de Sid basically wasted one anoda' off in mutually destructive struggles befo'e deir resurgence in de movie prequels. De cult be now structured so's dat dere kin only be two Sid at any one time, some masta' and an apprentice. When de apprentice succeeds his master, dat new Sid Lo'd snatch'd an apprentice. Radical likes Donald Trump, but not quite as sinister. Ah be baaad... 'Help me Obi-Wan' Obi-Wan Kenobi be a legendary Jedi Knight who wuz apprenticed t'Jedi Masta' Qui-Gon Jinn. 'S coo', bro.

It wuz Qui-Gon who claimed dat yung Anakin Skywalka' wuz de Chosen One uh an ancient Jedi prophecy. Slap mah fro! Qui-Gon wuzwasted in some lightsaba' duel wid de wastedly Sid Lo'd Dard Maul, whom Obi-Wan wasted in turn. 'S coo', bro. Afterward, Obi-Wan agreed t'snatch Anakin as his apprentice, against da damn Jedi Council's objecshuns, t'hono' Qui-Gon's dyin' request. Man! "Why do ah' get da damn feelin' dat some day ya' gots'ta be da damn dead uh me?" Obi-Wan ax's Anakin in Episode II. Dude, ya' gots no idea. WORD! She should gots used da damn 'nuclear opshun' Senato' Padme Amidala, de fo'ma' Queen uh Naboo, wuz elected as ha' planet's royal rula' at age 14. Durin' de Trade Federashun's siege uh Naboo, Queen Amidala wuz rescued by Jedi ambassado's and snatchn t'Tatooine, where she met da damn much yunga' Anakin Skywalker. Ah be baaad... Eventually, dey would embark on some Demi Moo'e-Ashton Kutcher-type romance and marry in secret. Man!

Refusin' t'sign some treaty wid de Trade Federashun, some conso'tium uh schemin' merchants, Amidala pleaded ha' case befo'e da damn Galactic Senate. Dere, de issue wuz stalemated by Trade Federashun filibusterin'. Followin' advice fum Senato' Palpatine, she called fo' some vote uh no confidence in Supreme Chancello' Valo'um. WORD! Afta' ha' terms as queen ended, Padme wuz ax'ed by de new monarch t'serve as Senato' uh Naboo. 'S coo', bro. Send in de clones Supreme Chancello' Palpatine, de fo'ma' Senato' uh Naboo, rose t'powa' as de successo' t'Supreme Chancello' Valo'um. WORD! Chancello' Palpatine's fust challenge in office wuz some popular Separatist movement led by de charismatic Count Dooku. Man! Backed by de Trade Federashun and oda' greedy institushuns, de Separatists geared down fo' war wid droid armies scattered droughout da damn galaxy. Slap mah fro!

To deal wid de Separatist dreat, Palpatine wuz granted sweepin' emergency powers by de Galactic Senate. He activated da damn Republic's newly fo'ged army uh clones t'counta' de Separatists' droid armies. Dus, de Clone Wars began. 'S coo', bro. Coincidentally — o' puh'haps not — Palpatine shares de same dojigger as de evil Empuh'o' fum de o'iginal Star Wars trilogy. Slap mah fro!

De second most repeated line be not ''Sup, dude, Boba' "May de Fo'ce be wid ya'," be de classic Star Wars line. But da damn most often-repeated one is, dig dis: "I've gots some baaaad feelin' about dis." De po'tent uh doom gots been said by everyone fum Luke Skywalka' when he fust spies de Dead Star t'Anakin Skywalka' afta' bein' chained t'a pillar in de Geonosian 'esecushun arena. WORD! It's also crossed da damn lips uh Obi-Wan Kenobi, Princess Leia and C-3PO, among oders. Dere's probably some drinkin' game here fo' yo' next Star Wars movie maradon, but beware uh de "baaaad feelin'" afterward. No wonda' dese films cost an arm and some leg t'make Lightsabers is all fun and games until some sucka loses some limb. Co' got d' beat! In every Star Wars film 'sept De Phantom Menace, some characta' has some hand o' arm severed by some lightsaber. Ah be baaad... Luke Skywalka' loses his lightsaba' hand in De Empire Strikes Back. Ya' know? Dard Vada' has some robotic limb lopped off in Return uh de Jedi, havin' lost da damn flesh-and-blood one as Anakin Skywalka' in Attack uh de Clones. Obi-Wan Kenobi literally disarms ill-intended bar patrons in bod A New Hope and Attack uh de Clones. No less dan foe characters in Revenge uh de Sid gots'ta find demselves unable t'wave baaaad-bye, resultin' in part in de franchise's fust PG-13 ratin'. Apparently, lightsabers cauterize da damn wound as dey cut drough flesh, cuz' no blood be eva' spilled. Good doodad, too, as bodily fluids often earn films an R.

Watch fo' some glimpse uh de ya'dful Tarkin near de end uh Episode III. And he sounds suspiciously likes Fozzie Bear Yoda be an ancient and revered Jedi Master. Ah be baaad... Powerful in de Fo'ce, he be a respected senio' memba' of de Jedi Council, servin' alongside luminaries such as Mace Windu and Ki-Adi-Mundi. Despite his need fo' some cane, Yoda kicked some serious Sid butt in some climactic Episode II lightsaba' duel wid Count Dooku. Man! And despite all uh his wisdom and power, he be incapable uh rappin' in some simple, declarative sentence.