Thursday, May 20, 2004
Troy - A Review
Gee, a review on The Review.
I saw the new movie Troy over the weekend at a bargain matinee. Take my word for it, there is no "bargain" at any price to see this total dud of a movie. The claim that it is 'loosely' based on the Iliad by Homer is like saying the war in Iraq is loosely based on The Ten Pillars of Wisdom by T. E. Lawrence (the "of Arabia" guy) because both of them involve a desert.
Cliche after cliche, stupid line after stupid line, and that was only the first ten minutes. I thought I was watching the Greek version of The Last Samurai starring Brad Pitt's butt instead of Tom Cruise's cheesey grin. The most prominent thing in this movie is about 32 shots of Mr. Pitt's derriere from various angles. When a wind catches his tunic in a battle scene you even get a quick glimpse of it there. "Holy Apollo and Aphrodite, I think I was just mooned on the battlefield. I must die now! Arrrgghhh."
Well, you all know the story, Helen runs off with Paris to Troy, Menelaus is pissed about it, he goes to Agamemnon (who is a 3000 year old George Bush) who's looking for any excuse to invade a country that he has a grudge against; the senile King Priam of Troy tells Helen she can stay rather than telling his pusilanimous pussyfooter of a son to take her back and think with a different part of his anatomy. It's all there in its totally unglamorous and very altered detail. Generals general, prophets read owl droppings and see victory (I've come to the conclusion that all prophets are a little loony), soldiers die, peasants scream and run, more soldiers die, Brad Pitt shows his butt and seduces a priestess. And so forth.........
Now to my biggest complaint about the movie. Orlando Bloom (Legolas from The Lord of The Rings) is cast as Paris. As the part was written and played one has to ask oneself, "what the expletive deleted did a decent looking babe like Helen see in this dork?" Answer - she's blonde of course, as are less than 0.0002% of the Greeks I know (and with Pitt/Achilles also being blonde you have 2/3 of the total number of blonde Greeks in recorded history in the same damn movie).
Paris is a total wimp. He makes a big to do about going out to fight Menelaus for Helen. "I can prevent untolled deaths. I have a better way." Of course when the actual fighting starts the little dork gets his butt stomped, sees his own blood, turns into a coward and pleads with his brother, Hector, to save him. Because Hector intercedes Paris gets to run off with Helen when in the end everyone else dies. I did realize one important thing from this performance - I now fully understand why the French named their capitol "Paris." This Paris is in to seducing another man's wife, he decides he will be noble and save the world, he gets a hangnail when someone fights back which immediately sends him into full retreat and into snivelling and begging for help, and in the end he acts like he won the entire world. No wonder this man is revered in France.
In the climactic scene when Troy is burning Paris is the one who shoots Achilles through the heel. When Orlando Bloom picked up the bow and arrow I thought I was back to watching Legolas the Elf. By the way, Brad Pitt dies with his butt up in the air.
I rate this movie as one dead flamingo..... and that clunk you heard was Homer turning over in his grave.
I saw the new movie Troy over the weekend at a bargain matinee. Take my word for it, there is no "bargain" at any price to see this total dud of a movie. The claim that it is 'loosely' based on the Iliad by Homer is like saying the war in Iraq is loosely based on The Ten Pillars of Wisdom by T. E. Lawrence (the "of Arabia" guy) because both of them involve a desert.
Cliche after cliche, stupid line after stupid line, and that was only the first ten minutes. I thought I was watching the Greek version of The Last Samurai starring Brad Pitt's butt instead of Tom Cruise's cheesey grin. The most prominent thing in this movie is about 32 shots of Mr. Pitt's derriere from various angles. When a wind catches his tunic in a battle scene you even get a quick glimpse of it there. "Holy Apollo and Aphrodite, I think I was just mooned on the battlefield. I must die now! Arrrgghhh."
Well, you all know the story, Helen runs off with Paris to Troy, Menelaus is pissed about it, he goes to Agamemnon (who is a 3000 year old George Bush) who's looking for any excuse to invade a country that he has a grudge against; the senile King Priam of Troy tells Helen she can stay rather than telling his pusilanimous pussyfooter of a son to take her back and think with a different part of his anatomy. It's all there in its totally unglamorous and very altered detail. Generals general, prophets read owl droppings and see victory (I've come to the conclusion that all prophets are a little loony), soldiers die, peasants scream and run, more soldiers die, Brad Pitt shows his butt and seduces a priestess. And so forth.........
Now to my biggest complaint about the movie. Orlando Bloom (Legolas from The Lord of The Rings) is cast as Paris. As the part was written and played one has to ask oneself, "what the expletive deleted did a decent looking babe like Helen see in this dork?" Answer - she's blonde of course, as are less than 0.0002% of the Greeks I know (and with Pitt/Achilles also being blonde you have 2/3 of the total number of blonde Greeks in recorded history in the same damn movie).
Paris is a total wimp. He makes a big to do about going out to fight Menelaus for Helen. "I can prevent untolled deaths. I have a better way." Of course when the actual fighting starts the little dork gets his butt stomped, sees his own blood, turns into a coward and pleads with his brother, Hector, to save him. Because Hector intercedes Paris gets to run off with Helen when in the end everyone else dies. I did realize one important thing from this performance - I now fully understand why the French named their capitol "Paris." This Paris is in to seducing another man's wife, he decides he will be noble and save the world, he gets a hangnail when someone fights back which immediately sends him into full retreat and into snivelling and begging for help, and in the end he acts like he won the entire world. No wonder this man is revered in France.
In the climactic scene when Troy is burning Paris is the one who shoots Achilles through the heel. When Orlando Bloom picked up the bow and arrow I thought I was back to watching Legolas the Elf. By the way, Brad Pitt dies with his butt up in the air.
I rate this movie as one dead flamingo..... and that clunk you heard was Homer turning over in his grave.
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